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What if we stop caring about people's opinions?

Updated: at 09:54 PM (6 min read)

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This post is a reflection on the value of other people’s opinions in our lives and how much we should care about them. It stems from a recent discussion I had with friends about my childhood experiences of being abused because I suddenly developed a convergent strabismus. At first, I was hurt by their insults and mockery. But to overcome it, I developed the ability to completely disregard other people’s opinions about me as a coping mechanism, especially from those who didn’t really matter to me. The conversation turned to the question of how and why we should stop caring about people’s opinions, especially when it comes to important decisions. I believe that the way we (as agents) handle other people’s opinions is related to our personal freedom and how we establish relationships as social beings.

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Autonomy vs. Self-determination

Autonomy and self-determination are two closely related concepts that are essential in my opinion for personal freedom.

Autonomy

The notion of autonomy refers to the ability of an individual to make decisions and act on them without undue influence or coercion. It is about having the freedom to shape your own life according to your values, interests, and desires. This doesn’t mean that an autonomous agent never seeks advice or assistance from others[1], but rather that they have the final say in their own affairs. In Kantian[2] terms, autonomy can be seen through three key aspects in the context of modern ethics[3]. Firstly, the individual’s entitlement to formulate personal decisions without any external influence. Secondly, the ability to reach such decisions through mental self-reliance and introspection. Lastly, a desirable way of living life autonomously. In essence, autonomy signifies the moral ability or the inherent capacity of an individual to deliberate and determine their own course of action, thereby exerting a level of control over their daily life experiences.

Self-determination

Self-determination, on the other hand, is the right to freely choose one’s own path in life and to pursue one’s goals and aspirations. Thus, it is about having a sense of choice and psychological freedom in our behaviors.

When we have autonomy, we don’t depend as much on others’ opinions and validation. We can make choices based on our own principles[4] rather than constantly worrying about what others think. Hence, when we care too much about other people’s opinions, we can compromise our autonomy and self-determination, as we may be swayed by their views or feel pressured to conform to their expectations.

So what?

It would be a utopia to think that we can completely do without what others think. For a long time, I thought you could completely ignore what your detractors thought without paying them any attention at all. Over time, I realized that I wasn’t entirely unaware of other people’s mockery or negative opinions, but I got used to it. The lucky thing for me at the time was that my family was always there for me, as were my close friends. Through their attitudes, these people taught me self-determination, which in time led me to be autonomous in my decisions. I remember that in those days, whenever I was in a new environment, I had to compensate for my visual aesthetic disadvantage with something else because I was seen differently. The repetition of this perpetual compensation meant that I found myself in situations in which I ignored (or thought I ignored) all the negative opinions about my person.

Much later, with a new view of what had happened, I inferred several lessons. The most important thing to me is that there are many forms of freedom, but the two[5] most important are: you can choose the people whose opinions matter to you, and you can choose how far/when (timescale) you care about them.

That said, having autonomy and self-determination doesn’t mean we should completely disregard all feedback and advice. It is wise to seek out trusted perspectives, especially from experienced people (that skin in the game[6]) in a subject when facing unfamiliar challenges. The key is being selective about whose opinions we care about and value.

In the short term, worrying too much about others’ judgments can hold us back from taking risks, being creative, and living authentically. In the long run, a lack of autonomy can lead to regrets, resentment, and a life lived for others rather than ourselves. The ideal is to find a balance between autonomy and caring about the “right” opinions.

It is okay to fail with our own opinion

One of the risks of disregarding other people’s opinions is that we may make mistakes or fail in our endeavors. However, it’s important to recognize that failure is a natural and necessary part of the learning process and that it’s often better to fail on our own terms than to succeed by compromising our values or goals.

One significant decision-making process I learned while joining Amazon is the concept of one-way, two-way door decisions. The former involves high stakes and potentially irreversible consequences. With decisions like these, it is wise to heavily weigh trusted opinions. While the latter are about reversible consequences and relatively low stakes. With these, it’s typically better to follow our own motivations and be willing to fail based on our own opinions. Failing in these situations provides valuable learning experiences.

Even with higher-stakes “one-way door” decisions like career choices or big projects, it’s okay to risk being misunderstood or defying conventional wisdom—as long as we’ve carefully weighed the potential upsides and downsides. The masses typically initially reject innovative ideas.

Conclusion

The value of other people’s opinions in our lives is a complex and nuanced issue. While it’s important to be mindful of their views and to seek feedback and advice when appropriate, it’s also important to prioritize our own values and goals and to make decisions that are aligned with them. This may mean disregarding the opinions of others, especially if they are not well-informed or if they do not have our best interests at heart. Ultimately, the degree to which we care about other people’s opinions is a matter of personal choice, and it’s important to find a balance that works for us. By doing so, we can cultivate our autonomy and self-determination, build meaningful relationships with others, and live a life that is true to ourselves.


Appendix

  1. This refers to social isolation, discussed with better view in Social Disconnectedness, Perceived Isolation, and Health among Older Adults, Cornwell et al.
  2. Immanuel Kant (1724 – 1804) was a German philosopher and one of the central Enlightenment thinkers.
  3. An Extremely great overview in Ethics and Contrastivism + Almond, Brenda (ed. with D Hill), 1991 Applied Philosophy: Morals and Metaphysics in Contemporary Debate London: Routledge.
  4. Ray, Dalio (ed. Avid Reader Press/Simon & Schuster), 2017 Principles: Life and Work.
  5. Sam Altman, The strength of being misunderstood.
  6. Nassim Nicholas, Taleb (ed. Allen Lane), 2018 Skin in the Game: Hidden Asymmetries in Daily Life